Pleasure and Relationships
1. How to Ask for What You Want During Sex
Be positive, clear and specific. Instead of focusing only on what feels wrong, try phrases such as “A little slower,” “More pressure” or “Keep doing exactly that.”
You can also guide your partner’s hand or demonstrate what you enjoy, with their consent. If talking during sex feels difficult, discuss your preferences beforehand or afterwards. Sharing what feels good is not criticism—it gives your partner the information they need to understand your body.
2. Checking In Without Ruining the Mood
Checking in can feel natural and intimate. Try simple questions such as “Do you like this?”, “Want more?” or “Can I keep going?” Your partner can respond verbally or guide you towards what they enjoy.
Pay attention to body language, but never rely on it alone. If someone becomes quiet, tense, hesitant or unresponsive, pause and check. Consent and communication do not interrupt good sex—they help create it.
3. Consent in Long-Term Relationships
Being in a committed relationship does not create automatic consent. Consent must be freely given for every sexual experience and can be withdrawn at any time, including during an activity you have enjoyed together before.
A partner’s silence, physical arousal or previous agreement is not permission. Nobody owes sex because of their relationship status, and affection should never depend on saying yes. Healthy partners respect each other’s boundaries without pressure, guilt or punishment.
4. What Aftercare Is—and Why It Isn’t Only for BDSM
Aftercare means looking after each other’s physical and emotional needs following sex. It may include cuddling, talking, having water, cleaning toys, showering, getting dressed or simply having quiet space.
It is often discussed in BDSM because intense experiences can create a significant emotional and physical comedown, but aftercare can benefit anyone. Ask your partner what they need rather than assuming—one person may want closeness while another needs time alone.
5. When One Partner Wants Sex More Often
Differences in sexual desire are common and do not automatically mean attraction or love is missing. Stress, health, medication, hormones, tiredness and relationship tension can all affect libido.
Discuss the difference away from the bedroom without blaming either person. The higher-desire partner is allowed to express their needs, but the lower-desire partner never owes sex. Explore affectionate touch, masturbation, planned intimate time or other forms of connection without treating them as demands. A qualified relationship or sex therapist may help if the difference creates ongoing distress.
6. Rebuilding Intimacy After a Dry Spell
Start by talking honestly about what contributed to the distance. Avoid blame and focus on what would help each of you feel connected, comfortable and desired again.
Rebuild gradually through dates, affection, kissing, massage or touch that does not have to lead to sex. Removing the expectation of intercourse or orgasm can reduce pressure. If the change is sudden, persistent or linked to pain, medication or low mood, consider speaking with a health professional.
7. How to Discuss Boundaries Before Trying Something New
Discuss the activity before you are in the middle of it. Explain what interests you, ask how your partner feels and make it clear that “no” is a complete answer.
Agree on:
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What each person does and does not want
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Who will give or receive
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Protection and hygiene
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A word or signal that means pause or stop
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Any physical limitations or emotional triggers
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What kind of aftercare may be needed
Consent to one activity does not mean consent to anything else, and either person can change their mind.
8. Exploring Kink as a Beginner
Begin with an honest conversation about interests, boundaries and risks. A yes/no/maybe list can help identify what you both want to explore. Start with lower-risk activities and agree on clear stop signals before beginning.
Stay sober enough to communicate and make decisions. Check in throughout, and stop immediately if someone withdraws consent, becomes distressed or cannot respond. Research every activity properly—especially anything involving restraints, impact, breathing or circulation. Strangulation and pressure on the neck can cause serious injury and cannot be made risk-free.
9. Giving and Receiving: Moving Beyond Fixed Bedroom Roles
Sexual roles do not need to be permanent or tied to someone’s appearance, identity, masculinity or femininity. A person may prefer giving, receiving, switching between both or doing different things on different occasions.
Talk about what each of you genuinely wants rather than assuming. Trying a different role can create new forms of pleasure and connection, but nobody should be pressured to “take a turn” or perform an activity they do not enjoy.
10. How to Create Intimacy Without Penetration
Penetration is optional and is not what makes an experience sexual or intimate. Alternatives may include kissing, massage, oral sex, external stimulation, mutual masturbation, sensual touch or using external toys together.
Intimacy can also be non-sexual: cuddling, talking openly, bathing together or sharing uninterrupted time can strengthen connection. Focus on what feels meaningful to both partners rather than following a standard sexual script.
11. Sex After a Difficult Past: Taking Things at Your Own Pace
Past trauma, painful experiences or unhealthy relationships can affect how safe and present someone feels during intimacy. There is no deadline for becoming sexually comfortable again.
Choose activities that help you feel in control, discuss boundaries and establish clear pause and stop signals. Begin slowly and remember that agreeing initially does not remove your right to stop. A partner can support you by listening, avoiding pressure and respecting what you are ready to share.
If intimacy causes ongoing fear, distress, flashbacks or disconnection, support is available from a trauma-informed doctor, counsellor or sexual-health professional. In Australia, confidential support is available through 1800RESPECT by calling 1800 737 732 or texting 0458 737 732.
Guidance: Australian Government—Healthy relationships and consent, 1800RESPECT—Consent and Better Health Channel—Libido.